Fun n Humour
Fun n Humour
Bumper Stickers for the Educated
· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
· Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
· Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
· I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
· I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
· I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
· I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
· I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.
· If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
· Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB!
· Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
· Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
· Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
· Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
· The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
· When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Excuses, excuses, excuses . .
excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cuss he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang over.Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Great Excuses for Monday Morning
- If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet... - I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
Husband Sickness . . . or Sick of My
(© Linda Sharp)A terrible thing happened the other day. My husband was struck down by tuberculosis, small pox and the bubonic plague all at once. Actually, it was a mild case of food poisoning (NO, I did not do it!), but you would have thought that the Grim Reaper was lying in wait outside our door by the way he was acting. Covers pulled up to his eyeballs, four layers of clothing and unable to answer with much more than a grunt, some would have called a priest for The Last Rites. Being his wife, however, my thoughts were anything but blessed...........In a recent study conducted by The Center for Wives Who Think Husbands Are Wises, (located in my computer), the results were unanimous....Wives think husbands are wises. While he was hovering near death, I entered a moms' chartroom I frequent and threw out the question, "If given the choice, would you rather play nursemaid to an ill husband or get poked in the eye with a sharp stick?". The response was fast and furious, and had I been being literal, I would have run out of sharp sticks. Dialogue scrolled by so quickly, it was hard to keep up...."My husband is worse than any baby when he gets sick.......", "I would rather have all three kids get sick at once than have him to take care of....", "My husband loses all ability to function if he even gets the sniffles..." , "Where is my sharp stick..?". Now I was not surprised at the results of my poll, rather, I expected them. Regardless of race, color, or creed the same scenario is played out all over the world. Husband gets sick, world stops turning. For the duration of the malady, a man will shut out all outside influences and convalesce behind drawn shades. This comatose state will be interrupted only to seek out attention from his wife, "Honnnnnnnnnnneyyyyyyyyyy, am I warm?"....."Helllllloooooooooo? Can you get me some 7up? Cough, Cough, Hack Hack."....."Whhhheeeeeerrrrree's the remote?". Most of us women will cater for the first day. It's just that inherent "mothering instinct". Plus, despite what most men believe, we do not actually want them to suffer. Day two? The tide begins to change. Requests for jell-o take longer to be filled. Stirring the bubbles out of his 7Up almost bends the spoon. And as for the remote control's whereabouts.........WE HOPE YOU NEVER FIND IT UNDER THAT TANGLE OF SWEATY SHEETS YOU HAVE CREATED THAT HAVE THE WHOLE ROOM SMELLING LIKE A.......(deep breath)...sorry about that. Why the hostility, you of the Y chromosome ask? I'll explain. You see, as a wife and mother, we are not allowed to get sick. Oh sure, we might get the sniffles, the flu, the runs, the plague.....BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER! When WE get sick, the world does not stop turning, children do not stop being hungry or going to soccer practice, babies do not stop pooping! The last time I got the flu, I had an audience outside the bathroom door for every performance of "It Came from the Deep"! My need to lie down was constantly challenged by their need to have me stand up----try making a peanut butter sandwich from bed! Can't happen! Due to my ghastly pallor, they cast me in their rendition of The Little Mermaid as Ursula.....and I WAS GOOD! My husband's only concession to my illness was that he made dinner ( he MADE the phone call to Pizza Hut). Face it, women just aren't afforded the opportunity to be wises. Perhaps, therein lies the lesson for all of us, X's and Y's alike. If wives did not allow their husbands to disappear from the face of the earth when sick, and husbands actually picked up the slack when their wives were ill, then maybe, just maybe................yeah right...........anyone seen my sharp stick?
